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Scorpion males are smaller than females and are often hunted by them. In order to reproduce the male must lock pincers with the female and then drop a packet of sperm on the ground. He must then maneuver the much larger female over the packet so that she gets the sperm inside of her. This whole time the female is trying to eat the male who, after his tango with death must run away or become lunch.


Sounds like a sick boss fight tho


Lmao, Imagine doing this in a game.


Gonna be a lot of button mashing


death by snu snu


In 2019 researchers found that the song of the male white bellbird can reach levels of up to 125 decibels. This makes it the loudest bird ever recorded to date, crushing the previous record holder, the screaming piha (which has been recorded up to 116 dB). The worst/best part (depends on how you look at it) is that it performs at its loudest when the female is on the same branch, screaming right at her, which is enough to even cause hearing damage in the female. Imagine walking into a bar, and just screaming at the top of your lungs, popping the eardrums of every girl in the bar, just to announce that you're single. ​ Edit. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dvK-DujvpSY](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dvK-DujvpSY) here it is for the curious.


That's one of the strangest sounds I've heard from a bird. If that mating thing doesn't work out male bellbird could certainly find work as an industrial siren.


Coral. Mating time!! just jiz in the water with everyone else at the same time in the hope you find one of the eggs floating past. oooooh yeah! Sexy Time!


Tasmanian devils. The male holds the female hostage in her own den until she becomes pregnant, which could be days. She does violently chase him from her den after she's pregnant. But I can't imagine those days trapped with him are pleasant.


Why does this sound like a bad fanfiction trope


Definitely Omegaverse


Giraffes- the males repeatedly headbutt the females in the bladder until they piss themselves, then they taste the urine to see if the female is in heat. I'm sure some of you freaks are into that but still.


I’m glad they didn’t show this part in Madagascar


It's in the Snyder cut.


Compared to tune rest of the options this is vanilla


Hippos shit and twirl their tails propeller-style to impress their mates, and if Gloria is interested, she will take a dump on Moto-motos head, which is something I am glad Humans don't do.


Most humans don't do*


I like em big. I like em chunky


Gives the song a whole new meaning doesn't it?


When snails mate, they just stab their betrothed with an enamel spike called a love dart. The pegging gastropods


Moose. They make a ditch, fill it with piss, trample around to make some delicious pissy mud then splash around so it covers their whole body.


I'm sure it's not the only thing Moose have tired over their evolution but it's one last ditch effort at survival.


Breeding season. A lot of animals only get the chance once a year


Cicadas, once every 17 years.


the cicadas where I live just did their cycle this year. they were fkn everywhere


Where I live there are some cicadas every year, but there's also a type that comes out every 17 years that turn the place into horny cicada hell


Seals, when they hear a couple mating al the male seals nearby will try to join in to the action, during this frenzy males will fight and kill anything in their way including baby seals.


A seal wedding without at least three deaths is considered a dull affair


"Fuck out of here Timmy, she's mine"


"Fuck you Ralph! You old looking turd. She's all mine."


"Move out the way you string bean motherfuckers, she wants all of what Fat Fred's got and I plan on giving it to her."


Koalas. Besides that horrifying screams that they produce, there is no actual 'mating ritual' or even 'mating season' - koala males straight up rape female koalas whenever they please.


There's a lot of rape in the animal world.


Ducks. Ducks should be in prison.


And then there's the chlamydia.


I heard boy cats have prickly penises. Like having sex with a cactus, no thanks.


It explains why cats scream like hell while being penetrated. EDIT: I'm talking about two cats going at it you sick fucks. No zoophilia shit involved.


Years ago I had a female cat that I adopted. She suddenly started lifting her ass in the air at me and moaning like she was a zombie. Took her to the vet and they said she is in heat and apparently telling me she's ready to fuck. Thought it was weird because the place I got her from told me she was fixed already and apparently wasn't.


Ducks have cork screw penises and also gang bang female ducks. Ducks are fucked up


So this is the reason Autocorrect doesn't differentiate between fucked up and ducked up


Still fowl language either way


>Ducks have cork screw penises I know for a fact the females were not consulted about that


And how. The duck vagina corkscrews the opposite direction.


Supposedly they have vaginas that are very elaborate to prevent pregnancy from them. Ducks are fucking weird man lol


I read they adapted to have maze vaginas and corkscrew penises because male ducks are rapists


Ah, so that's why cats scream in pain and agony outside of my house when I'm sleeping


They're backward facing, so it slides in fine, but then, once in, the spikes catch to stop it coming back out. As others have said, the pain helps the Queen ovulate


> As others have said, the pain helps the Queen ovulate She's 95 years old, I think she's past menopause by now.


Anglerfish. Females are humongous compared to males, so rather than doing it the old fashioned way, the male will bite onto the female, his insides will slowly turn to mush, and he eventually fuses with the female, depositing sperm in the process. Pretty metal.


"You complete me" she said


I hate you


You forgot to add that the only part left of them is the testicles, which the female may or may not use at some point. She can also have multiple pairs of testicle tombstones.


> tombsticles


I don't get the whole womens "virginity" hype with us humans. But in the angler fish world, I would be one of "those guys". "Testicle tombstones"... Jesus christ...


“A slow and painful death, or a life without sex. Tough call.”


slow and painful death it is, then


doesn’t matter, had sex


Is this a futurama reference?


It certainly is


Actually when they fuse the only thing that remains is the balls which the female can use whenever it pleases and the female can have more than one pair


Ferrets. As cute as ferrets are, they have a horrible mating ritual. Basically, the male ferret (called a hob), has to maul the everliving shit out of the female ferret (called a jill) to get her to ovulate. If humans did this, is would make it a lot easier to avoid accidental pregnancy, but would also make it very obvious when a woman was trying to have a child. "Not sure if spousal abuse, or just trying to get pregnant" would be a common sentiment.


The super sad part is that once Jill goes into heat, she will stay that way indefinitely until they breed. Over time, prolonged high doses of estrogen lead to aplastic anemia — a serious condition that causes death. So yeah, not only does the male maul her to induce heat, she will die if she doesn't have sex with him after.


Geez ferrets are masochists


Squirrels will kill the kids then mate with the mother. Imagine being a kid and a guy breaks in and kills you just to have new kids with your mom


Male lions do this too, when they take over another lion’s tribe (by killing/defeating the other lion). They will kill the former lead lion’s cubs to assert their dominance and the lionesses just sort of let it happen. There’s the sequel to The Lion King we never saw coming!


I believe baboons are known to do this as well. Killing the offspring makes the nursing mothers go into estrus again so that the new males can mate with them and cement their dominance over their new pride/troupe.


Also brown bears.


Some human males do this as well, although society and culture strongly discourage the practice. One of the most common causes of toddler murder is Mom's new boyfriend.


Some males kill their own family to start a new one aka christopher watts


Yeah it's sad it's happened enough to have a label. Family annihilation.


Salmon. They’re born in freshwater, swim sometimes thousands of kilometers to get to the ocean and live out most of their lives, then when it’s time to mate they have to make the same journey back to where they were born except this time upstream against the current. And on top of that, the majority of salmon die after spawning. Imagine living your entire life knowing it all leads up to you making a grueling several thousand km journey just to bust one nut and die right after.


That must be one hell of a nut


I mean it *is* the only one they'll get


But it's the friends we made along the way


I sense a Disney movie in the works..


Please no


Futurama already beat them to it ;)


> And so the endless circle of life comes to and end. Meaningless and grim. Why did they live and why did they die? > No reason. Roll credits.


Would you settle for a futurama episode?


I would settle for a MS Paint comic


And that's assuming you don't get pranked by a bear


You ever seen videos of bears just sitting by a stream snatching the salmon up like popcorn?


I watched a live stream of that once. Edit: now that I read the responses, I see the unintentional pun. Here's the stream. It appears to be the off-season so no activity. https://explore.org/livecams/brown-bears/brown-bear-salmon-cam-brooks-falls


Peacocks... Cause I can’t dress to save my life.


**Male Frog**: Let me inflate my body to three times its natural volume and then blast it out in the noisiest way possible, girls love this shit **Female Frog**: Your self inflation fetish has seduced me, grab on to my belly and fertilize the water with your male products as I squeeze out a huge mass of absolutely disgusting jelly blobs


Ok but try writing it so it's not hot


I don't see how that's physically possible




But when I'm gassy it's "gross" and she "wants a divorce". Edit: thank you strangers for the awards.


I think it was when you mistook some of her pool toys for egg masses and fertilized in her swimming pool


She just can't get over me getting banned from the local pool.


Many species of insects have what’s called “traumatic insemination”. Basically mommy bug doesn’t have a vagina so daddy bug stabs her and makes one. Or how about snails, who are hermaphrodites? To determine who is going to be the one who lays the eggs, they shoot sperm darts at each other and whoever gets shot gets pregnant.


Pregnant roulette


Dodge ball with child support


Dodging child support is already common among humans i heard.


That makes my father a professional athlete


Bedbugs friggin do this. The worst part is for some reason they can’t even tell if it’s a female they are inseminating...it’s a free for all. Nasty little things.


It's horrifyingly brilliant. The bigger the colony gets, the more incentive the females have to flee from the growing number of needle dicks. But of course they only flee because they're getting stabbed, so they're already pregnant and will lay eggs in their new hideout. Rinse and repeat. Bed bugs are genuinely the worst thing i've ever experienced, but they are practically the perfect parasite.


Shooting darts at each other with consequence sound fun


Like playing paintball, but the losers get pregnant


***This town ain't big enough to impregnate the two of us*** ^(EDIT: I like how this comment of mine got 3k upvotes in like 10 minutes, yet I posted this joke on my close friend group and I've been left with "read at" and a new link to another topic, absolutely losing it)


Snails switching penis from one to another: SNAIL DICK! SNAIL VAGINA! SNAIL DICK! SNAIL DICK! FIRE!


Male Antechinus refuse to eat or rest during mating season; they will smash nonstop until their body begins eating itself. By the end of their mating season, the corpses of ragged males litter the breeding grounds.


I had to look up what an Antechinus actually is. Now I wish I hadn’t because they’re so cute and without my permission, my overactive imagination conjured up an image of the end of mating season.... now I’m sad.


Pretty sure certain female spiders eat their sexual partners after they’re done.


On the flip side of that. There are several species of insects and arachnids where males bring the females snacks to eat while they do their business to avoid getting eaten. IIRC it's a relatively newly observed behavior found in both new species and ones we've known about for decades.


And they say chivalry is dead


and best part is, they wrap the food offering they give in spider web/silk, so the females have to unwrap it first, giving them time to copulate and avoiding aggressiveness ! [source](https://royalsocietypublishing.org/doi/10.1098/rsbl.2015.1082)


And! Sometimes, apparently, the male will catch a fly, or another insect, sick out its intestines, and then wrap the empty husk and give to a female. Meaning the male gets both a tasty meal, and a shag. And in some types of spider, the male will disguise itself as a female, so that when another male brings it the gift of a wrapped insect, it will say thanks, and promptly fuck off to give it to an actual female (or another male in disguise?). Source: saw it on an animal program on TV years back. Take everything you just learned with a grain of salt.


The last part is fucking hilarious, just imagine a spider being like "thanks for the gift, DUMBASS" *Runs away*


Imagine the other spider's surprised look in all eight of his sad spidery eyes.


Yeah and it has also been observed the male will bring a fake prize to the female and hope it will get its rocks off before the female notices


#they're Evolving!!!


What will they eat next? You already know the answer: *humans*.


They don't like the way we taste. I'm sure they would just tender our fat to make candles.


Also preying Mantis eat their partners


Not necessarily. Only if the female is hungry. Smarter males will bring her a snack to keep her occupied while they do the deed


This is why you should have like a Snickers on hand for afterwards.


The female angler fish doesn't eat her partner, but instead once the male finds a suitable mate, he bites into her belly and latches on until his body fuses with hers. Their skin joins together, and so do their blood vessels, which allows the male to take all the nutrients he needs from his host/mate’s blood. The two fish essentially become one. With his body attached to hers like this, the male doesn't have to trouble himself with things like seeing or swimming or eating like a normal fish. The body parts he doesn’t need anymore—eyes, fins, and some internal organs—atrophy, degenerate, and wither away, until he’s little more than a lump of flesh hanging from the female, taking food from her and providing sperm whenever she’s ready to spawn. A single female could have several such partners simultaneously.


I wish I could go back to 10 seconds ago when I didn’t know this


Alright honey, I’m ready to fuse to your skin and live off you for the rest of your life


Sounds like my ex husband


Some type of aquatic animal (octopus I think) detaches it's penis and gives it to the female because it can't be bothered to mate... I'm quite attached to all my body parts.


'Here, go fuck yourself.'


After an old roommate stole a thousand bucks I was throwing her shit out and I threw away her dildos so she couldn’t even go fuck herself.


They rip it off and throw it at the female. After they have launched their penis, they run for their lives. The female will gladly kill and eat the male.


I would too, if a guy decided to rip off his dick and throw it at my face.


I saw my penis lying on a blanket Next to a broken toaster oven. I had to buy it off him.


He wanted $22 but I talked him down to $17.


Isn't this the goal of unsolicited dick pics?


The way the roosters just claw the holy bejeebus out of the hen's back. No thank you. My nails couldn't take that kind of abuse.


Soo... some humans.. do that too..


Used to work with a guy as a lifeguard who had giant nail mark scars on his back from this.


How many roosters did he own?


My boy asking the real questions


Horses (well, mares anyway) spontaneously urinate when they're in season and they're near a stallion. It's completely instinctive and I get the impression it'd be quite embarrassing in humans.


They're still somewhat in control of it, but yeah ... it would be pretty inconvenient if you got the sudden overwhelming urge to pee every time you got the horny.


"Hi, Amanda? Yes I'm Tim, here for my 1:30 interview......are .... Are you ok? I can uh....no no that's totally fine, completely natural...Let's rebook for another day then, hmm?"


Many garden birds have a ritual in which the male pecks the female's cloaca empty of the sperm of previous mates before having his own go. Imagine if men would suck out previous partners' sperm before having sex with a woman. I have imagined and I am very sorry I did...


It would be HILARIOUS to watch drunk guys ram each other's head to compete for mates


Clearly you haven’t been to a frat party...


And that's without the need to mate.


Adactylidium. From wiki: “Adactylidium is a genus of mites known for its unusual life cycle.[1] The pregnant female mite feeds upon a single egg of a thrips, growing five to eight female offspring and one male in her body. The single male mite mates with all the daughters when they are still in the mother. The females, now impregnated, eat their way out of their mother's body so that they can emerge to find new thrips eggs.[2] The male emerges as well, but does not look for food or new mates, and dies after a few hours. The females die at the age of four days, when their own offspring eat them alive from the inside.”


horny eagle death spiral


I used to play bass for Horny Eagle Death Spiral.


Sounds like a Soviet propaganda metal band that writes songs about the evils of Western capitalism.


The female bedbug lacks a vagina so the male makes his own by stabbing them with his penis


Here's the one I came here to say. Yeah this has to be the worst version of sex for females, just getting literally stabbed.


There are many, but to name two.... Bees. The males dick rips off, and all of his guts spill out upon completion of coitus, if you can call it that? Idk I'm not an entomologist. Also, eagles. Evidently they do some some complex mating ritual, which eventually results in them locking claws as they fall to the ground. Much fewer fatalities than the bee thing, but there's still a chance of making birdie pancakes, rather than baby eagles. EDIT: after some cursory research, male honey bees çan mate between 7-10 times before they fuck themselves to death. FINAL EDIT: bald and golden eagles. Should have just stuck with my first draft lmao


Golden eagles do that fall towards the ground. The one who gets scared and releases first loses. If neither will they die.


Males play game of chicken like that. Breeding pair does it non-competitively as a bonding ritual.


Honestly it sounds kind of cute, at least compared to everything above.


He made love like an eagle falling out of the sky


I'm happy cloacas are not a thing...


Horses are one of those species that fuck for a little longer than some. It’s because the male has to jam the tip of his penis into the cervix, to ejaculate in intra-uterine.


Jumping on this: male donkeys kick the shit out of femalw donkeys to get them to ovulate. Thats why its hard to breed female donkeys with horses because the stallions are gentlemen in comparison. Male donkeys and mares works better but probably pretty traumatizing for the mare...


This is unrelated but I once saw a little goat standing on a horse's back at a petting zoo, and the horse's dick slowly got more and more erect


So those hentai cross sections were right...


My cervix just shriveled up and tried to run away...


Not necessarily a mating ritual, but female hyenas give birth through their clitoris - which is only 1 inch in diameter


["A female spotted hyena mates and gives birth through her penile canal. When mating, a female retracts the penis on itself, ‘much like pushing up a shirtsleeve,’ and creates an opening into which the male inserts his own penis. "](https://www.genderinclusivebiology.com/newsletter/all-female-spotted-hyenas-have-functional-penises-and-mount-both-male-amp-female-hyenas-gender-showcase-9-12#:~:text=A%20female%20spotted%20hyena%20mates,male%20inserts%20his%20own%20penis.)




Literally the face I made


When I was younger, this is how I thought gay male humans did the deed. It didn’t really hit me that people could just stick it in the *other* hole.


Ducks: they pin each other down and pretty much rape each other.


Female ducks have even evolved to have 'decoy vaginas' which basically prevent them from getting pregnant easily by a male they don't want to get pregnant by. Some vaginas in ducks have also evolved to be shaped in the opposite direction of the males 'corkscrew' penises so the penis doesnt fit right in there. It s kind of sad actually.


I watch a lot of hummingbirds around my backyard. I love them so much. But let me tell you, being a boy hummingbird trying to snag a mate has got to be the most terrifying thing….they fly up quite far, dive bomb almost into the gravel..multiple times. And when one looks like a pretty clear catch, another male bird will come out of nowhere and attack him. Then come and have the audacity to sit on my feeder and make eye contact with me, with an enemies feather stuck to his face. God, they’re precious


I don't know if it counts, but female lions bite male lions balls while in the heat...


That sounds like foreplay. Kinda sexy!


Does that count as cock and balls torture?


Maybe you should try it and find out, holla at me when you do.




Elephant seals have terrible mating rituals. A male will force about 50 females together on a beach as his harem, and will mate with them while biting them to keep them from fleeing. Usually other males will be attracted, and the beachmaster will rush over to fight the newcomers, potentially rolling over and crushing some of his own offspring. They'll slam and bite each other bloody, and the winner grabs a female and mates in triumph. Japan had a famous bull elephant seal, Minazo, who lived at a marine park. He was nicknamed [the "lolrus"](https://knowyourmeme.com/memes/lolrus) by Internet communities and became a meme-everyone who was online in the mid-2000s should be familiar with him.


octopus because I don't want to just rip off my arm which is also my penis and give it to some girl to use then throw away or really and cephalopod because that would involve me sticking my arm penis into her face vagina


Octopi moms are so dedicated to protecting their eggs they literally starve themselves to death.


I mean, what do you think oral sex is?


SLUGS.... They are hermaphrodites and in order to determine which of the two individuals will be the male seed, they gnaw at each other's penis until one of them snaps off. You can see it happen in this video. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5kQio9fCApM&t=95


Those big ass slugs. They create a “daisy chain”. I don’t understand how it works but I’m glad humans don’t have it lol.


Kind of sounds like something humans *do* have. But I am glad that we're not slugs, though.


Black Widow. The name says it all. Also, the Praying Mantis. The female will kill the male after mating by chopping off his head. Gives all new meaning to "I'm dying to get laid".


I think the new meaning would be "giving head..."


Well I’m pretty jazzed I don’t have to tear off a testicle every time I want to nut like some spiders do.


Ever watch planet earth? Those birds that clean up an area of the forest floor, then spread stuff to accent that area usually all the same colour. Then start dancing. And if the female is happy the birds mate for a few seconds. Imagine going through all that just for a few seconds


Is that really much different from a guy cleaning up his place, fixing dinner and lighting candles when he is going to have a lady over?


Fun fact: in the 1940s, Esquire magazine had a cooking column called 'Man the Kitchenette'. It was aimed at young single urban men, and taught them ways to impress the women they were courting by cooking for them. Emphasis was on maximum effect with minimal equipment and space. Gastronomica magazine had an interesting article about this back in 2011.


“Lock and key” a lot of dogs get their dick locked into the females vagina for 10-15 minutes, Imagin if your girl moaned a different guys name when you came and you had to sit there for 10-15 minutes in awkwardness Holy crap! 4.2k upvotes?! Thank you guys so much


I've seen this happen with dogs being bred by a family member. Thing is, the dogs don't really expect it so try to separate after and can't, which ends up tugging on things in what appeared to be a quite painful manner Edit: Have updated the language since apparently it sounded like my family members were involved in the, er, mechanics of this process.


My dogs do this, we don't even breed them, one of the boys does this with one of the girls, thankfully they're neutered so nothing comes of it. But we have to listen to then yelp and try to pull each other apart for a few minutes before they eventually are able to separate.


> Thing is, the dogs don't really expect it so try to separate after and can't, which ends up tugging on things in what appeared to be a quite painful manner This is why sex ed is so important. When a guy is caught off guard by his knot he can damage his dick.


I'm at work right now and I REALLY don't want knotting to show up in my browser history. But I was always under the impression that the penis was what swelled up (considerably) until it could no longer be pulled out. I imagine a vagina swelling up would be like trying to squeeze a bar of soap in the shower.


Isn’t it a knot at the base of the shaft that gets pushed through the vagina? Sort of like having balls shoved inside you and when they deflate after release you’re good to go


What a horrible day to be literate


You seem educated


You forget that once he has locked in, he gets off her and turns basically 180° and just stands there while he impregnates her


Peacock spider. The male dances to attract a female. If the female approves, he is allowed to mate. If not, he becomes her next meal.


It's not a ritual--it's a sign of being in estrus. Those huge, swollen butts that some female monkeys and apes get when they're in heat would be so awful. Just seeing them move around when it's their time doesn't look like it's painful, so I presume it's not, but as a human, that much swelling and redness never comes without significant pain or itching or some other seriously unpleasant feeling, so...yeah...


I saw a nature film where a female jackal will bring her chosen mate back to her family for a meet up. Her father and brothers will surround him and scratch up dirt while urinating, soaking him in a mix of piss and mud.


Giraffes' mating process is comically awful. Male begin by checking if a female is ovulating. To do that, a male giraffe will kick her repeatedly in the bladder until she loses bladder control and pees. The male then tastes the urine to see if it contains the hormones produced during ovulation.


Hippo’s ritual of making shit fly everywhere with their tails. Just no.


Hyenas. The male has to enter the females clitoris, which is a pseudopenis that they also then give birth through. Blarg.